Morning. Not sure if today will be a good day or not, but it's early, so I guess we'll have to see what today holds before we determine whether it is good or bad. Yesterday was a good morning but turned out to be a lousy day. I woke up in the arms of someone I love but ended up going to bed alone crying (well, Ted E was there as he always is to soak up my tears and accept all the hugs I can give – poor bear, he’s been through a lot with me in the years that I have had him). In between that time, I hung out with my sons, took them over to Tid's to swim, learned my mom was having heart problems again, made ribs & wings for dinner, tried my best to keep my mind off a few other personal situations (didn't work too well but I did try) and finally - I called the one I love and told him that I would be returning his key to him over his cell phone while he was at a bar listening to a band.

Worst part is (I mean aside from actually feeling the need to make that call) was that it didn't seem to matter to him too much that I wouldn't be seeing him anymore (so much for loving me) - his reaction was "well damn." Now don't get me wrong, it's not him going out so much that bothered me, it's just the timing and the situation. Don't worry though, I did have Brit here, (who, thankfully wouldn't leave me until I forced her to return home to her hubby and guests after she made sure I got updated information on my mom) my sons were here asleep (after making sure they told me they loved me oodles and bunches :D) Mark & Misty were calling to make sure I was ok and didn't need anything, and my "online friends" who just typed away, trying their best to make me laugh.

I guess what finally made me decide to make that call is that when you get right down to it, I need someone that is going to be here for me when I need them. I'm not a needy person - pretty independent and low maintenance really - but, like everyone, there are times when I need someone to hold me when life's road gets a little too overwhelming for me to bear alone. (Granted lately, it seems that the floodgates have been opened right above my head but hey, it's called LIFE) Him leaving me in tears to go to see a band kinda slammed home just how unimportant to him that I am - adding to the grief and helpless feeling that I already had about my mom. I mean there is NO WAY I would ever walk away from anyone I cared even a miniscule amount about while they were crying, not even to see Elvis risen from the grave for a one time only show! (To his credit though, when I called him, he did ask if I wanted him to come back – immediately after the “well damn” statement - but I said that I wasn't going to have to tell him everything, said that I had to go and hung up.)

I mean come on now – is there anyone out there that can actually say that they don’t want to feel important to the one they love and that supposedly loves them?? To me, I think it goes along with the whole love thing. You know – it’s doing the little things for the other person to make them happy & let them know you care and are thinking about them … and more importantly, just being there for them - that make love the special thing that it is. Sure, you can tell people what you want all the time and will probably get it about 75% of the time – but to me, love is finding someone that you don’t have to spell everything out for.

Ok, so maybe all men need things spelled out 100% all the time - but I choose to believe that there is someone out there that will be there for me that I don’t have to tell him when I am in tears that I need him. Maybe it’s a pipe dream of mine but hey – we all need something to believe in, right?

I won’t sit here and lie and say that it doesn’t hurt that I ended this relationship because it HURTS LIKE HELL and I will miss him terribly. (Maybe not as much as Brit will miss his pool but … I already miss him and it’s only been a few hours, lol) I guess letting it continue feeling the way that I do will only end up hurting more in the end so it’s best to cut the attachment now. I mean what happens if I let it continue and then I really, really needed him and he did this??? I know that I cannot feel that I don’t mean anything to someone that I love. My sons like him a lot too and that makes the situation a little harder (just last weekend, my youngest son cross stitched a car magnet for him) Yesterday, as they have every weekend since we started dating, they beg to go over to his house … but, kids are tough and will bounce back probably quicker than momma can. I honestly doubt if I hear anything else from him except to get his key back (And yes, that makes me feel even worse) but I do wish him well and hope that he finds love and happiness and am thankful for the time I did spend with him.

Wow! Did I really put all this on my Blog?? Oh well, it’s my Blog and most likely no one but me will read it anyways! It does feel better to have gotten it all off my chest this morning so at least that’s a start. Now, let’s see what the rest of the day has in store for me … I can’t wait! (ugh)