I talked to my mom about 3pm and she's doing better but will still need further surgery to do more stent implants. I swallowed my pride and called him, begged forgiveness .. for another chance, told him I needed him, wanted to see him and loved him, explained things to him as much as I could but, in the end, he made the decision to not see me anymore. I can't blame him - I was a total shit I suppose and got exactly what I asked for, even though it wasn't (and isn't) what I wanted. Funny thing is, he said it wasn't what he wanted but is the one imposing the break up (against my many pleadings and attempts to change the situation). I don't understand that part and I guess I never will. He asked for a few days to think but I told him that I couldn't do that, so I guess it's over. I wish that I could have told him that I'd wait to hear from him later in the week but I couldn't. It isn't pride or anything - just pessimistic feelings that he'd just call later to tell me it was over (and yes, I told him that) and I didn't want to set myself up for that. I'm just kinda numb now (and sitting here hoping against hope that he'll change his mind and decide that he loves me enough to give me another chance) but know that come bedtime, crawling into bed alone again, that the hurt is going to hit but it can't be helped now. I've done all that I can to change things but, I can't. I would take things back in a heartbeat, but I can't. I made sure he knew completely how I felt and what I wanted - but it didn't change the outcome. There's nothing left for me to do now but get him his key back as smoothly as possible (its going to hurt really bad at that moment I know because then the finality of the situation will sink in) ... then, I'll grieve a bit and get on the road to healing my wounded heart.

Darling - if you're reading this, please know that I love and miss you and am very sorry that I hurt you and hope that you know that this is not what I want but will respect your decision. I also hope you know that if you ever need me for anything that I will be here for you.