Happy 69th Birthday Daddy

Happy Birthday Daddy. I can't really believe you've been gone 11 years now. There are still times where I have to remind myself that you're not here.

You know, like when I hear a noise in my car - you don't know how many times I have thought "Daddy will know what that is and how to fix it." Or when the mechanic is telling me something that I know is absolute Bull but they think they can get one over on me because I'm a girl. They don't know that you tried to teach me all the basics of cars when I was younger. Sure, I liked the FAST muscle cars and wanted to hear about engine sizes and such so I'd look cool with the boys .. but , me being a girl, I always said that I'd never need to know how to change oil/tires or care what that sound was coming from under the hood because some man would always take care of it for me. Yeah, I was right. Mechanics are mostly men but gawd what they charge! Luckily for me, I retained enough of what you taught me to not be a total idiot when it comes to cars.

Ya know, Tid has a 55 Chevy but it's no where near as cool as yours was. A few of the people I've met lately would kill to have half the cars/trucks you had in your lifetime. In Atlanta at the car show during the Drive-In Invasion, I saw so many of the cars you had .. and of course, I thought about you and what you'd be saying if you saw them.

Lately, there's been times when I listen to a new band and think that you'd really like them. Or wish that I woulda been interested in "your music" when you were here to share it with me without me complaining that it was "old fogey music." Right now, I'm sitting here listening to Hank Sr, Johnny Cash, Patsy Cline and have even listened to lots of Jimmie Rodgers. Of course, in your honor, before bed I'll listen to "I Like Beer" by Tom T. Hall and have a beer for you ...

I miss being able to run to you when my heart is broken or when someone hurts my feelings by saying I'm not good enough for this or that ... I don't miss that you weren't here to see me go through the abusive relationship that I was in. I know you would have tried to make it better someway, endangering yourself if need be because you're my Daddy and didn't want your little girl hurt. I'm out of it now and promise I'll be a lot smarter next time and not allow myself to get in that situation.

I wish you could be here to see your grandsons Daddy. You have 4 of them and a granddaughter somewhere. My 2 play sports - CJ plays baseball and Devon plays football. It'd be nice to have you at a game with me cheering them on, but I know that you are there with me, even though I can't see you. Devon is more like me when I was little and is forever playing with creepie crawlie things and doing anything he can to be outside playing. He's now my spider/frog/lizard chaser and seems to like that job. And keeping him out of trees is as impossible for me as it was for you to keep me out of them when I was his age. He has your sense of saying the funniest things that aren't really funny. One day when I told him to take out the trash, he looked at me with the most serious look on his face and told me "Momma, I think you had me just to take out your trash." (Remember the flashlight/marriage license incident where you were looking for the expiration date?? LOL - course, Momma didn't think it was funny as we did) CJ, well - he's into movies and video games and quite the little "player" with girlfriends all the time. They're both adorable and smart. Being here in Georgia with them was probably one of the best things I've done because they have so many more opportunities here than they would have had in West Virginia. We're not around the "family" except once a year but I guess in the end, moving here with them was better even though it means missing so much and so many people that we love.

I talked to Momma last night on the phone and she reminded me that today was your birthday. I didn't need her to remind me though. Every year since you've been gone - the week of your birthday and the week you died is the hardest on me and I get so moody. Even when I try to not think about it, it's still there, and I can't help but cry and miss you so much. You'd think that after all this time, it'd get easier but it hasn't. Some have told me to get over it and move on .. but, they haven't lost their daddy ... not had to watch someone they love so much die that way ... knowing that all you can do is be there to let you know I loved you and help your pain the best I could. I wouldn't trade one minute that I was there but I wish sometimes that I could have done something to make you not hurt so much. To make you still be here. But I know that it was your time and you're in a better place now - with all your friends that went before & after you ...

I got to hear you tell me you were proud of me. I got to know that you counted on me to take care of things when you were gone and I hope that I did a good enough job for you. That was a big responsibility and very hard - losing you and dealing with the arrangements. But you, being the "protector" that you were, you would not die until we were out of the room and it was just you and Momma. Hearing her scream when you left was the worst sound I have ever heard in my life and I hope I never, ever have to hear that again. You and her being married that long is still the thing I hope that one day, I will find. You and her had unconditional love that nothing tore apart even though it wasn't always easy.

You know, I see Dad's today that shirk their responsibilities and it makes me sick. You were always there for me in your own way. You weren't the mushy type but I always knew you loved me and were going to be there if I needed you. You never really got mad at me for much. I remember 3 times in my whole life you punished me, though I deserved many more. You had little but made sure that we were all taken care of. I only hope that when CJ & Devon are older that they can think as highly of me as I do of you.

Because of your illness, I got to say my goodbyes and all the things I needed to say. I got to hear the most important things too but I still miss you. I'm not sure when or if there will ever be a time that I don't miss you. You taught me some of the most important things in life that I needed to know to make it on my own ... you taught me that no matter how hard things get, you don't give up ... you taught me to be there for the people that needs me and to be able to forgive/forget and to say you're sorry when you're wrong. You taught me that the ones we love aren't perfect - but that loving them is a gift and to accept them as they are.

I have turned out to be a stubborn person that has been knocked on my ass many, many times since you've been gone but I always get up, dust my ass off and try again. I can take care of myself though I do get lonely at times. I have been hurt but don't hold that against people. I've been done wrong (and yes, I've even done wrong) but, through it all ... I'm here ... doing the best that I can and pretty much happy with who I have turned out to be ... Maybe one day, I'll find someone that will be happy with me for who I am and not run at the first sign of a problem and give up and take the easy road out. If not, oh well, their loss, right?

I'm not perfect Daddy. I never will be. I drink too much at times ... I smoke too much .. I say what I think sometimes without thinking ... but I work hard every day at a job I taught myself how to do, I provide for myself and I take care of my sons and they know that I love them more than life itself. The friends that I have know that I will be there for them in any way that I can. What more can I ask for?

I just hope that you're up there looking down at me, still proud of your Mimi ... your silly lil Mamie Nae that threw wax balls and climbed trees and wanted the fastest cars, you thinking (and making it known, lol) that she was too good for the boys in the neighborhood...

I know Forever, Amen was your song to Momma .. and I can't hear it without remembering you ... but, I hope that you know ... that no matter how long you've been gone .. I'll always miss you and love you very much ...

and I'll always be your Mimi ....

Happy Birthday Daddy .. I love you ...