Not Gonna Blog Much!

I don't wanna blog tonight! I HATE that song "ONLY ONE" by Yellowcard .. it totally sucks ass! And it won't stop playing in my head! Someone make it STOP!!!!

I don't want anyone to see through me or stop loving me and find someone else ... I want them to make me their "only one" but I don't think that is a possibility ... all they see me for is a "LUST" thing and I HATE it .. .

I Wanna SCREAM at the TOP O MY LUNGS ... I don't want this loneliness .. don't wanna feel like I have to be alone ... I HATE IT ...

Don't wanna feel like I am too good .. like I am too silly ... too flirty ... too ... AMY to be loved for me ... I want someone to FIND me .. and Be HAPPY with me ...

My Momma and I talked tonight on the phone .. I miss her .. she's doing good but the shunts are still a problem ... but as always, she is worried about me being here in Georgia all alone ... I wanna do something to make her smile ... to make her proud of me .. she says she is .. but .... she reminded me of the concerts she took me to when I was little and I hated it ... Stonewall Jackson, Hank Jr., Lil Jimmy Dickens, Bill Anderson ... all the greats of Country ... she misses me .. she worries about me ... she's my momma and I love her ... and she's too far away for me to hug and tell her how much I love and miss her ... and how much I worry about her ....

Why did I decide to stay here again?? I forget at times like this ... when I am all alone .. needing a hug from someone that loves & cares 2 shits about me ... my sons are here and will have a better life ... but ... everyone that loves me is in WV ... 767 miles from me ... all my friends that care, my family .. all of them .. I am the only one that ever left ... and I miss them ... I come from a big family .. there's 11 aunts/uncles ... more cousins than you can count .. all my friends that I grew up with that I email .... but, they are there, I am here ....

There's got to be a reason that I stayed here besides my sons, but ... I can't seem to remember it right now ... yes, they are the most important thing in my life and maybe deep down, they are the only reason I chose to stay here .. but right now, these empty feelings make it hard to remember that I would gladly give my life for my son's smiles ... for them to have a better opporunity than I ever had .. but .. .when they aren't here .. it is hard to remember why I let myself be cut off from the people that love me to live a life alone .. feeling so unloved ..

I want my momma .. someone to hold me for a minute and tell me it's all gonna be ok ... that I can make it alone ... my sister to tell me that she needs me to fix something .. something so I don't dwell on all this other stuff that makes me sad.

My Momma is worried because my stupid sugar levels keep dropping and I can't keep them up .. . My Doctor says it's stress .. but, I can't change my life and the stress levels ... I'm on the verge of needing stupid medicine intervention if I can't manage them .. I don't want that ... I mean shit, I can't find a man to love me for me .. let alone to love me with a stupid medical condition .... Can you imagine that 1st date?? LOL .. well, my doctor says if my sugar levels drop below ___, I have to have a shot of glucose ... like there are many out there that could handle doing that, huh? Yeah, tons that wouldn't mind giving someone shot in the ass or thigh ...

I'm rambling right now because ... well, I don't know why ... I am sure tomorrrow, I'll make myself find a reason to smile, I always do ... but some days, it gets hard for me ... I try to always be the optimistic person my friends think that I am .. but in reality, it's a battle for me at times to find a reason to smile when things are so gloomy ...

With that, I think I am gonna go find Ted E and curl up in my bed and pray that I dream sweet dreams tonight .. and I hope that you all do too ...