Yeah, so drunken blogs are a bad idea ...

Ok, so I'm drinking tonight ... and all my men are asleep ... (lol, yeah that makes me sound like a HO but anyone that knows me, knows that means my sons and Jason so bite me if you don't get it) Anyway, I figured I'd take this moment to write a blog and get some of the thoughts out of my head that are in there causing chaos ... this is probably gonna be one wierd ass blog (probably a mile long) and hard as hell to follow so don't say you weren't warned ...

Ok, so this week was a pretty emotional one for me.

My son got hit by a hit and run driver while he was riding his bike earlier this week and I swear I lost 10 years of my life because of it. How can I not have? I love my sons more than life itself and with CJ, I almost died having him and almost lost him a few times when he was a baby ... I still am kinda glad that we haven't found out who did it because I know if I do, I'll turn into something that won't be pretty. I'm pretty docile for the most part till you hurt with someone I love and then, I can be quite evil ... Yes, my first thoughts of what I'd do to that fucker included rope, his balls and dragging him behind a moving vehicle but hell, he hurt my baby .. what else would you expect of me??

Then, I find out one of my best friends is in love with me. Yes, that shocked the hell out of me. I honestly had no idea he felt that way but probably should have known. This is someone that I tell pretty much everything to. There's hardly anything that he doesn't know about me. I don't feel uncomfortable about it. Just sorry that for him, I can't reciprocate the feelings on the level that he has for me. I love him for being my friend. For being there for me all the time. For giving me his insight. For his sacrifices. For being the one person I can turn to when things are too overwhelming for me. And for caring when it seems that sometimes, some others are only out for their own gain ... and yes, he is someone that I'd gladly walk through fire for if he needed me to ... he knows that (or he should) but I can't return the love he feels no matter how honored that I am ...

I also hurt Jason a bit by accidentally calling him the wrong name, twice in one night. Yeah, I have my reasons or excuses why it happened. Anyone that knows me knows I hate excuses though ... but it was just too much of the wrong shit happening for me to not do it. I had my ex's family calling/emailing me, my ex hubby left his baby daughter here for me to babysit using a cup that I had bought Katie that is about Katie's age, he was picking on me, my house was total chaos ... so it slipped ... twice. And I could tell how much it bothered him immediately. Of course, he said it didn't but his actions changed and I knew that he was just trying to make me not feel so bad about it, but mine would have too ... he's human and that was a big blow ... the next morning, I was worried about it ... and talked to my 2 best friends about it .. both said that if he loved me, he'd understand .. and as always, they were right. He does understand ..but that can't make me stop feeling like a piece of shit for doing it ...

I guess that brings me to Jason. Yes, he's in my top 8 and in my main picture with me for the moment. He and I haven't known each other long at all but it seems like we've known each other forever. We have those periods of comfortable silence. He accepts me for me, even with my addictions to myspace, bud light, and marlboro light. Hell, he'll even bring me beer if he thinks I need it and go out for it if I run out. He's ok when my guy friends call/email ... If I'm sitting here playing on the computer, he sits patiently waiting for me to finish and tells me to have fun. My friends like him. And the ones that hated my ex are coming around again hanging out with us ... and everyone is having fun. There is none of that uncomfortable silence that followed me before and that makes me smile.

Yep, I met and fell for this one quick. Way quicker than any before him. I even talked to my ex hubby about it since he is part of my life too for the boys, knows me better than anyone and his input? "well, I fell in love with you the first night I met you and we had 2 sons and were married 7 years. Jason is a good guy, give him a chance and don't fuck it up." LOL .. now that was weird since he disliked everyone else I've ever been with ...

I don't know where this relationship is going to go. Yeah, I have had the men that love me, fall for me quickly and leave (or should leave) quickly with the same whirlwind of emotions that they came in with so this scares the hell out of me ... I don't want to think of a time that Jason isn't here ... he says he doesn't either and his eyes say that too ... none of the others did ... there are no inner gut feelings telling me to run ... no red flags .. hell, he's already humored me on all the things that my exes did to try to show me he isn't like them ... so what else can I do but sit here, enjoy the life that I have ... take all the happiness out of it that I can ... hope my friends feel half the happiness I feel now and try to do what I can to make it work without changing who I am??

I don't have any real answers right now. I know that I'm really happy, happier than I've been. I have great friends, a great life .. a possible future with someone that is happy with me without changing me that doesn't have so much drama/pain/hurt that my exes has had ... yeah, I'm drinking more than I want to admit ... I smoke too much ... I stay up too late and spend too much time on the internet .. but I'm happy dammit ... and maybe that is selfish of me but I don't care. For once in my life, I want to be able to enjoy being happy without second guessing everything ... is that too much to ask???