Mid-Life Crisis?

Hmmm, not alot to talk tonight and didn't post last night either. Not that I don't like my lil blog, I do like it, a lot. And face it, it's not like I've had anything better to do (or anything to do for that matter besides caring for my new tatt, lol) Just been so confused the last 2 days, it's really hard to concentrate enough to make coherent sentences. But to my loyal viewers (all 3 of you) I will try my bestest to make this as entertaining as possible. (If it isn't, well I tried .... and you know the 3 little letters that I would remind you of, right?) (Ok, so you forgot, lemme remind you - they're K M A .. and you know what they mean, lol)

I am not bitching or moaning or complaining, but life hasn't exactly been a walk in the park these last few weeks. My boss is leaving the firm I work for so my job is kinda iffy at best. My Momma (who lives in WV) has been having heart problems. My doctor thinks I have diabetes. I'm dealing with 2 other "storms" that will remain nameless. My sons are growing up too fast. I'm getting old. I got dumped by the one guy I never thought would hurt me. I'm alone, again!

Maybe I am having a dreaded mid-life crisis like Momma suggested. I'm 34, is that possible? I don't feel 34. Some days, I don't think I look 34. But I am.

I have a lot to be thankful for too. My sons are the most important. I love them more than anything in this world. They're beautiful, smart, funny .. loving, just like their Mom (sorry, couldn't resist). I have many friends that love me and are here for me when I let them be. I have been blessed with a strong will and inner strength to weather all of life's storms. I have my own place, a good job (and the ability to get another one if need be) my health, my freedom.

It's just that everyday at work, someone asks me what I am doing about a job and what my boss is doing. I tell them the same thing every time. I DON'T Know. Wish they would just stop asking. I know they are concerned and I appreciate it but it makes it hard to not think about when they mention it ALL the TIME. (ya know?)

And the dumping thing last week. It's confusing as hell. He thinks he isn't good enough for me? That he won't live up to my expectations? But we hung out almost all weekend just like we were dating and I had fun. Maybe it is me that isn't good enough for him? Didn't live up to the expectations he had of me? He's a sweetheart. The kind of guy that would give you the shirt off his back if you asked. Works hard, is smart, funny (even at poor Brit's expense during Taboo, lol) is an upstanding citizen, friendly, outgoing. The last guy I thought I'd ever fall for. The only guy my sons & friends all thought was the one for me. The last guy I ever thought would hurt me. I just don't get it.

We're both Pisces, maybe that is the problem? My Previous Ex was a Pisces. (their birthdays are one day apart, go figure) But they are as different as night and day. My prior and I were together since November 2000 and lived together about 2 1/2 yrs. He cheated, lied to me, abused me in about every way you can imagine, still manages to torment me and we broke up in March. (The day after my 34th Birthday to be exact) I am not sorry he is gone. He and I were one of my biggest mistakes to date. He left me in September 2003 in the worst state possible and I picked myself up and recovered very well. I took him back, (kinda) and let him hurt me again before finally realizing that it was one of those "you can love someone but not be with them" scenarios. I don't hate him even though I'll have scars from him for the rest of my life. I wish him the best actually and hope that he finds the one person out there for him that he won't need to cheat on or hurt to make himself feel better. And that's all I am going to say about that.

The most recent ex .. well ... he and I knew each other from 2001. He dated a friend of mine for a bit. (She's happily married now though with a new baby and we don't talk - so don't you frown at me) We chatted occassionally on here until one night in May when we exchanged numbers. I called him on a whim to come to a cookout that required his presence in less than half an hour. He came. And was here every night for the most part. My sons adored him and told me that I needed to date him. My friends did too. Actually, it was him that said we were dating before I even thought we were. (I was kidding myself apparently, lol) Then the dreaded "L" word got said. He said he loved me all the time and it felt like he did. And then, I started thinking ... and letting him know my thoughts ... and then, he'd come over later if at all or I'd go to him but we were still around each other.

But, then, I started dealing with all the other storms. And thought and verbalized things once too many times apparently. To the extent that he felt he couldn't live up to my expectations. Thought I could end things with him way too easily. Boy, was he ever wrong! He ended them way easier than I ever could. I emailed him last night .. he didn't respond, not sure why. Guess I'll never know. As for what the future holds with him & I? Your guess is as good as mine.

So anyways ... I guess maybe I am dealing with a mid-life crisis. I got a new tattoo that I love (and had said I'd never get one because only losers had them - guess you can add me to that group now, lol) what's the worst that can happen through this crisis? I look like an idiot babbling on this blog? It's MINE! I can babble all I want. Maybe I can look back at my posts later and realize how stupid I was? Who knows?

All I know with any certainty is that life is full of uncertainties and that I will somehow get through whatever life dumps on me and I'll find a way to smile through it all. What more can a 34 year old, single mother of 2 ask for??

And with this post that I didn't think I was gonna write .. I am gonna go crawl up with Ted E and try to dream sweet dreams. Sure waking up alone tomorrow is gonna suck, but, hey, I'll live!