Kissing Frogs & Pondering

So it seems that you have to kiss a lot of frogs in an attempt to find a prince. Lately, it seems my frogs are toads in disguise so all I end up getting are warts, lol. Granted, I'm not out kissing ALOT of frogs, but even the few that I take a chance with turn out to be all wrong for me.

Maybe it's me not really wanting to find a "Prince" just yet? Maybe I'm just content in my life, albeit a bit lonely at times, and really don't want to risk upheaving what I have worked YET AGAIN so hard to maintain all on my own. YET .. I still need to feel comfort, love and yes, even lust on some level at some points to maintain my sanity and the things about me that make me who I am? But some in our lovely society would say that I am a slut for that. Oh well, they can bite me! Guys do it all the time and they aren't judged so leave me alone too.

I have recently discovered that I am "breaking the cycle" of finding the "cookie cutter type" guys I have dated in the past. I mean, they didn't work so obviously, I needed to change something, right? So I have dated men that were not like any of the men in my past. But it seems that even they don't work out, so - geesh! now what?

Is it time to re-evaluate myself? Could that be what I need to do? Or is it still possible to find that ONE GUY out there that is PERFECT for me without me changing who I am?

Those of you that know or read about me through these postings know that I am a strange mixture of a loyally romantic sweetheart that cares deeply, thinks and ponders things alot, that flirts, drinks, takes strange pictures of myself depending on what my moods are (and yes, I take the pictures I post by myself - that's why they invented the timer, lol) takes most things in life with a carefree attitude, rarely holds grudges or thinks badly about anyone regardless of what they've done and just likes to smile and make others that I share my world with smile when I can.

I am a leader and very rarely follow in others footsteps or changes things about myself to fit in. I have a mind of my own - good, bad or indifferent - and do not rely on society or others to tell me what is cool, right or wrong, acceptable or crosses the line, what to laugh or cry about, or what I need to do to fit in. I think those that do are mindless zombies walking around feeding off others because they lack the traits needed to live their own life without guidance or outside interference.

And Guess What? Sometimes, more so than not, I get all kinds of comments from people. You Know? I get lots that don't like or understand me or think that it is their job to point out my flaws. GET OVER IT. The sooner they realize that what they say or try to tell me goes in one ear and out the other, the happier all involved will be.

Now, let's not confuse this with my true friends making suggestions or giving me insight or different perspectives from those I possess. I can and do take critiscm from those that matter. And sometimes, I do alter things as needed. I do not and will not tolerate people that don't know who I am telling me things that I do are wrong for whatever reason they see fit to tell me.

What most people don't realize about me is that although I seem to smile, laugh and take most things in stride - my life has been anything but a walk in the park with a silver spoon in my mouth. I have been dealt more blows than most people will ever even hear about but always manage to pick myself up, dust my ass off and go on without letting the bad things change who I am or keep me down for long. Others rely on many things to get through trivial things. Some even have to be negative all the time and in the process, make everyone around them negative and that DRIVES ME BONKERS!!! I could sit here and tell you all the bad things I have lived through in my life - but what's the point? We all have something negative that happens to us at some point, right? Does that mean we are to be pitied? Have things made easier for us? HELL NO! We're given what we can handle and what we are destined to survive/face - PERIOD. Does this mean that we are to be carried all the time? No! Yes, there are times everyone needs that but I have little or no tolerance for those out there that use others to get by. Grow backbones and learn to do it on your own. When you can do that, you'll find that your life is a lot happier, even when things seem at their roughest. And, when you can do all that by yourself - then you can come talk to me and I might take your critiscm to heart - but don't hold your breath.

Gawd where am I headed with all this rambling?? Hellifiknow. There are a rare few that even know parts of things in my life. I choose to keep certain aspects hidden. Not because of shame but because there are things that in the past when people found out what they were, they used them to hurt me - the proverbial salt in wounds type things - so now, if I open up and spill things, I'm more careful that the person that I tell things to deserves to hear them.

Ok, I think I've confused you and me enough for tonight ... so maybe I'll finish this train of thought some other time ...