Yeah, so drunken blogs are a bad idea ...

Ok, so I'm drinking tonight ... and all my men are asleep ... (lol, yeah that makes me sound like a HO but anyone that knows me, knows that means my sons and Jason so bite me if you don't get it) Anyway, I figured I'd take this moment to write a blog and get some of the thoughts out of my head that are in there causing chaos ... this is probably gonna be one wierd ass blog (probably a mile long) and hard as hell to follow so don't say you weren't warned ...

Ok, so this week was a pretty emotional one for me.

My son got hit by a hit and run driver while he was riding his bike earlier this week and I swear I lost 10 years of my life because of it. How can I not have? I love my sons more than life itself and with CJ, I almost died having him and almost lost him a few times when he was a baby ... I still am kinda glad that we haven't found out who did it because I know if I do, I'll turn into something that won't be pretty. I'm pretty docile for the most part till you hurt with someone I love and then, I can be quite evil ... Yes, my first thoughts of what I'd do to that fucker included rope, his balls and dragging him behind a moving vehicle but hell, he hurt my baby .. what else would you expect of me??

Then, I find out one of my best friends is in love with me. Yes, that shocked the hell out of me. I honestly had no idea he felt that way but probably should have known. This is someone that I tell pretty much everything to. There's hardly anything that he doesn't know about me. I don't feel uncomfortable about it. Just sorry that for him, I can't reciprocate the feelings on the level that he has for me. I love him for being my friend. For being there for me all the time. For giving me his insight. For his sacrifices. For being the one person I can turn to when things are too overwhelming for me. And for caring when it seems that sometimes, some others are only out for their own gain ... and yes, he is someone that I'd gladly walk through fire for if he needed me to ... he knows that (or he should) but I can't return the love he feels no matter how honored that I am ...

I also hurt Jason a bit by accidentally calling him the wrong name, twice in one night. Yeah, I have my reasons or excuses why it happened. Anyone that knows me knows I hate excuses though ... but it was just too much of the wrong shit happening for me to not do it. I had my ex's family calling/emailing me, my ex hubby left his baby daughter here for me to babysit using a cup that I had bought Katie that is about Katie's age, he was picking on me, my house was total chaos ... so it slipped ... twice. And I could tell how much it bothered him immediately. Of course, he said it didn't but his actions changed and I knew that he was just trying to make me not feel so bad about it, but mine would have too ... he's human and that was a big blow ... the next morning, I was worried about it ... and talked to my 2 best friends about it .. both said that if he loved me, he'd understand .. and as always, they were right. He does understand ..but that can't make me stop feeling like a piece of shit for doing it ...

I guess that brings me to Jason. Yes, he's in my top 8 and in my main picture with me for the moment. He and I haven't known each other long at all but it seems like we've known each other forever. We have those periods of comfortable silence. He accepts me for me, even with my addictions to myspace, bud light, and marlboro light. Hell, he'll even bring me beer if he thinks I need it and go out for it if I run out. He's ok when my guy friends call/email ... If I'm sitting here playing on the computer, he sits patiently waiting for me to finish and tells me to have fun. My friends like him. And the ones that hated my ex are coming around again hanging out with us ... and everyone is having fun. There is none of that uncomfortable silence that followed me before and that makes me smile.

Yep, I met and fell for this one quick. Way quicker than any before him. I even talked to my ex hubby about it since he is part of my life too for the boys, knows me better than anyone and his input? "well, I fell in love with you the first night I met you and we had 2 sons and were married 7 years. Jason is a good guy, give him a chance and don't fuck it up." LOL .. now that was weird since he disliked everyone else I've ever been with ...

I don't know where this relationship is going to go. Yeah, I have had the men that love me, fall for me quickly and leave (or should leave) quickly with the same whirlwind of emotions that they came in with so this scares the hell out of me ... I don't want to think of a time that Jason isn't here ... he says he doesn't either and his eyes say that too ... none of the others did ... there are no inner gut feelings telling me to run ... no red flags .. hell, he's already humored me on all the things that my exes did to try to show me he isn't like them ... so what else can I do but sit here, enjoy the life that I have ... take all the happiness out of it that I can ... hope my friends feel half the happiness I feel now and try to do what I can to make it work without changing who I am??

I don't have any real answers right now. I know that I'm really happy, happier than I've been. I have great friends, a great life .. a possible future with someone that is happy with me without changing me that doesn't have so much drama/pain/hurt that my exes has had ... yeah, I'm drinking more than I want to admit ... I smoke too much ... I stay up too late and spend too much time on the internet .. but I'm happy dammit ... and maybe that is selfish of me but I don't care. For once in my life, I want to be able to enjoy being happy without second guessing everything ... is that too much to ask???

Some People Are Evil.

Last night, my son CJ was riding his bike through our apartment complex. It's fairly well lit so I generally don't mind letting him ride after dark as long as he stays in the complex. Well, this has now changed and he will not be allowed to ride after dark at all for a long, long time.

Why would I change this all of a sudden??

Last night, as he was riding at the front of our apartment complex, a truck turned sharply and hit him, smashing his fingers between the handlebars and the truck and ultimately, knocking him over the handlebars. He's ok except for bumps, bruises and scrapes THANK GOD but ... that idiot driver kept right on going as my child was laying there on the ground. CJ said he yelled at him as he sped away "Are you ok?".

What the fuck kind of monster can hit a child, on a bike or otherwise, and keep going even as they see them laying on the ground? I know no matter what, I couldn't. Maybe it's just that I'm a mother and a bit naive but I cannot imagine being that incompassionate and let a child, or an adult for that matter, lay there without offering some sort of assistance.

I called CJs dad over - who broke all sorts of laws speeding, etc. to my apartment to check on our son. Filled out the police report. Had the EMS look at CJ and make sure that he was ok. Poor Jason showed up at my apartment in the middle of all this chaos too ... and ya know, none of us could understand how someone could do this.

I'm not sure if I believe in Heaven/Hell like most people do but if indeed there is a hell, I certainly hope that there is a special place there that burns hotter, more intense with crueler punishment for people that show so much lack of concern/compassion for others ..

My son was very lucky .... and so am I.

I've been thinking ...

Yeah, Yeah - I know .. scary thought ... but humor me, will ya?

Last weekend, Jason & I had this wonderfully romantic weekend .. just him and I ... and it was the closest thing to a perfect date that I've ever known ... hey, I'm 35 so that's saying alot, lol.

This weekend, we spent it with the kids. My boys and Tori most of the time. We even took them to Burger King first and then the beach and all 3 of them got in the water (Jason took pictures so you have to wait until he downloads them) I was standing on the beach with Jason behind me holding me, watching them in the water and first, a song came to mind that I started singing (I Hope You Dance) .. and then a poem that I quickly wrote down as soon as we walked back to the truck ... (I'll try to get the notepad and post it later)

And in my thoughts - I was thinking how awesome it is that my kids can have fun no matter what they're doing. Here they were, in November, swimming in the ocean. Laughing. Smiling. Enjoying Life. With that child-like innocence that so many of us lose because we get jaded as we get older. That's why that song popped into my head and I had to start singing it. I hope my sons can always find their own happiness. Even when society may frown on them. Yes, it's the middle of November and they're swimming in the ocean. But, most importantly, they were happy and having fun when all the others out there were just looking at them. Me? I was just surrounded by happiness and love for them. Yes, I guess maybe I have taught them more than even I realize ...

Jason realizes that Tori is looking for positive attention and although she can sometimes get aggravating, he accepts her too. And that says alot about him. He's not only accepting me and my sons, but also a teenage girl that, although very wierd at times, likes spending time with me, my sons and him ... how many others out there would do that? He doesn't exclude her from our activities. Most men out there would. But then again, he's not most men.

I had to tell him something last night that I was scared to death to tell him. Actually, 2 things. He could tell there was something bothering me but wasn't sure what and caring about me, he thought all the wrong things. I had told my friends and was told that the best way to tell him was to be honest and that if he loved me, he'd understand. Of course he did understand and didn't run. He's that way. Yeah, my friends were right (they usually are, lol)

Life is always full of surprises. Especially my life. Even this week, though I've been really happy with Jason, I had a bit of unsettling news from my past. It's bad but not bad enough that I can't handle it. And thankfully, Jason loves me enough that he's ready to deal with it with me.

But I guess that's what life is huh? Dealing with that bad to appreciate the good? If that is indeed what we must do ... I'd have to say at this moment in my life ... all the bad that I've been through is definitely worth the happiness I have now.

I only wish that my friends, especially Jessica, Matt .. Mac, and Tara could find the happiness that they deserve in life ... but I know that when the time is right, they will. Till then, I'll be here for them as much as I can ... loving, missing and wishing for them all the happiness they deserve and more ...

Brock, 2 Malls and 4 People on a beach ...

Saturday, Jason brought me over a cute little bear that remained nameless until Sunday morning - but I cannot tell you about that yet. I first must tell you about the delicious italian dinner he cooked me and how he cleaned up the mess he made in the kitchen, even emptying my dishwasher from the previous day. He made this pasta dish that starts with an 'M' but I don't remember the rest of it. All I know is that it was sausage, hamburger, green peppers, mushrooms, sauce served over pasta with Cheesy Garlic Bread and Oh so Yummy!! (you're jealous, aren't you, lol)

And then, he doted on me all evening, though why, I'm still not sure, I just enjoyed it for what it was .... cuddling, watching movies and just chatting ...

Sunday morning, we woke up about 7 am. Why you might ask?? Hellifiknow but it gave us an opportunity to lay there and talk about everything and nothing at all ... and of course, that meant Tori coming to bug us at least twice, lol. During our conversation, he and I discussed a rather off the wall topic to which I was able to name my cute little bear after. His name is now Brock. I'm sorry that I cannot show you a picture of him but alas, I did not even break out that camera once this weekend. WTF is getting into me???

CJ came home about 1230 and Jason, me, CJ and Tori (yes, Tori) went off to let Jason's puppy out and to go to the Savannah Mall so that I could get CJ clothes and Tori some Chucks. Savannah Mall wasn't that exciting although I did find CJ a bunch of stuff, we had lunch there and ran into my old friend Jo. We did not however find Tori's Chucks - so, yes, much to my horror, off we went to the Oglethorpe Mall ....

At the Oglethorpe Mall, we finally found the Chucks, which she made me carry all the way through the mall and back to the truck ... the lil shit, lol .... we also visited Spencer's (very entertaining with a 12 & 14yr old lemme tell you) Jason had the salesperson looking at him funny because he was playing with a feather trying to tickle me with it ... yeah, seems he's a bit of a perv, lol!

After that, Jason suggested we go for a walk on the beach. Good, romantic idea, right?? WRONG! Not when you have the aforementioned 12 & 14yr olds with you.

We get to Tybee and all of us take our shoes off and roll the pant legs up. (This will turn out to be a bad, bad idea) then, I get the brilliant idea to race my 12 yr old son. Well, anyone that knows me, knows that my name should be Grace because I'm not the most graceful of people and tend to hurt myself when I forget that I'm 35, not 15 anymore.

Anyway - back to the race .. all 4 of us tear off down the beach until - yep, you guessed it - I tripped over a dip in the beach and landed on my leg. It hurt like hell because I was running fast and landed with a thud - scratching/bruising/scraping the hell out of my leg just below the knee. So now, I've got a booboo, a damp ass and sand in places I'd rather not have. But, still, it's the beach ... so let's make the most of it, shall we??

Remember me telling you taking shoes off was a bad idea?? Well, this is where that become very apparent ... CJ and Tori are goofing off as teenage boys and girls do in the water mind you which, with no shoes and rolled pant legs wouldn't be a bad idea UNTIL CJ decides to throw Tori in. And the struggle and YEP! In goes CJ - getting totally soaked. Now don't go thinking that Tori is victorious and remained dry because sadly for poor Jason's truck and it's cloth seats, she didn't ... So now, our romanticly intended walk on the beach has turned into me yelling at CJ for being wet and throwing Tori in and them complaining about being wet ... but yet continually getting wetter ...

After I yelled at CJ and threatened the most horrific of all punishments, they stop getting into the ocean. (For those non-teen parents out there, that means no phone, no computer and no XBox) But not the complaining or the removing of removable articles to swing to try to dry as we continue to walk the beach.

Anyway, we leave the beach and go to Sonic for dinner. Let me tell you, THAT was a very memorable trip that had all of us in sidesplitting laughter ... it's a wonder I did not choke on my wrap .... I won't get into details but will tell you that you had to have been there .... but let me warn you, it wasn't for the weak ...

Finally get back to my apartment and learn that Jason is incredibly ticklish ... but he also found out because of my wonderfully loudmouthed son that I am too so the 4 of us ended up tickling the shit out of each other for a while till it was finally time to send the kids to beddy bye and call it a night ...

All I can say is What a Wonderous Weekend ....

How would you describe a "near perfect evening?"

How would you describe a "near perfect evening?"

Well, how about one that starts with being able to leave work in time to stop by the store, take a hot bath and a quick nap before a date?

And, how about if that date calls to tell you traffic is bad so he may be a little late ... then shows up with a dozen red roses?

Then you go to a cute little seafood restaurant on the marsh with outdoor dining and although the service is slow at first, the live band, food, atmosphere and company makes it seem like something out of a romance novel. (Ok, so I still don't know what "woo-woo" means but it was funny discussing the possible meaning of it, lol)

And after dinner, you go for a walk on the beach. A perfect star-studded sky, just the right temperature, the surf pounding the shore in a lulling melody ... yeah, so the drunk chic laying at the foot of the stairs when we got there could have shattered that "romance novel image" but hey, it was good for laughs so, it's all good ...

After that, drive home and play on myspace. Customizing pages, drinking a few beers, listening to music .. which of course, since I've drank a few beers you know I just HAD to sing along with, lol ... and just feeling that perfect mixture of comfort and excitement ... and looking over while your drunk ass is singing to find someone smiling at you ...

Then, falling asleep in someone's arms .... without the pressure or need for sex to feel that special closeness ... and waking up to rude ass neighbors and loud ass alarm clocks WAY TOO Early but still finding reasons to smile about it just because you're still in that person's arms ... and wanting to do it again ...

Yep, that's what I call a "near perfect evening."