Mid-Life Crisis?

Hmmm, not alot to talk tonight and didn't post last night either. Not that I don't like my lil blog, I do like it, a lot. And face it, it's not like I've had anything better to do (or anything to do for that matter besides caring for my new tatt, lol) Just been so confused the last 2 days, it's really hard to concentrate enough to make coherent sentences. But to my loyal viewers (all 3 of you) I will try my bestest to make this as entertaining as possible. (If it isn't, well I tried .... and you know the 3 little letters that I would remind you of, right?) (Ok, so you forgot, lemme remind you - they're K M A .. and you know what they mean, lol)

I am not bitching or moaning or complaining, but life hasn't exactly been a walk in the park these last few weeks. My boss is leaving the firm I work for so my job is kinda iffy at best. My Momma (who lives in WV) has been having heart problems. My doctor thinks I have diabetes. I'm dealing with 2 other "storms" that will remain nameless. My sons are growing up too fast. I'm getting old. I got dumped by the one guy I never thought would hurt me. I'm alone, again!

Maybe I am having a dreaded mid-life crisis like Momma suggested. I'm 34, is that possible? I don't feel 34. Some days, I don't think I look 34. But I am.

I have a lot to be thankful for too. My sons are the most important. I love them more than anything in this world. They're beautiful, smart, funny .. loving, just like their Mom (sorry, couldn't resist). I have many friends that love me and are here for me when I let them be. I have been blessed with a strong will and inner strength to weather all of life's storms. I have my own place, a good job (and the ability to get another one if need be) my health, my freedom.

It's just that everyday at work, someone asks me what I am doing about a job and what my boss is doing. I tell them the same thing every time. I DON'T Know. Wish they would just stop asking. I know they are concerned and I appreciate it but it makes it hard to not think about when they mention it ALL the TIME. (ya know?)

And the dumping thing last week. It's confusing as hell. He thinks he isn't good enough for me? That he won't live up to my expectations? But we hung out almost all weekend just like we were dating and I had fun. Maybe it is me that isn't good enough for him? Didn't live up to the expectations he had of me? He's a sweetheart. The kind of guy that would give you the shirt off his back if you asked. Works hard, is smart, funny (even at poor Brit's expense during Taboo, lol) is an upstanding citizen, friendly, outgoing. The last guy I thought I'd ever fall for. The only guy my sons & friends all thought was the one for me. The last guy I ever thought would hurt me. I just don't get it.

We're both Pisces, maybe that is the problem? My Previous Ex was a Pisces. (their birthdays are one day apart, go figure) But they are as different as night and day. My prior and I were together since November 2000 and lived together about 2 1/2 yrs. He cheated, lied to me, abused me in about every way you can imagine, still manages to torment me and we broke up in March. (The day after my 34th Birthday to be exact) I am not sorry he is gone. He and I were one of my biggest mistakes to date. He left me in September 2003 in the worst state possible and I picked myself up and recovered very well. I took him back, (kinda) and let him hurt me again before finally realizing that it was one of those "you can love someone but not be with them" scenarios. I don't hate him even though I'll have scars from him for the rest of my life. I wish him the best actually and hope that he finds the one person out there for him that he won't need to cheat on or hurt to make himself feel better. And that's all I am going to say about that.

The most recent ex .. well ... he and I knew each other from 2001. He dated a friend of mine for a bit. (She's happily married now though with a new baby and we don't talk - so don't you frown at me) We chatted occassionally on here until one night in May when we exchanged numbers. I called him on a whim to come to a cookout that required his presence in less than half an hour. He came. And was here every night for the most part. My sons adored him and told me that I needed to date him. My friends did too. Actually, it was him that said we were dating before I even thought we were. (I was kidding myself apparently, lol) Then the dreaded "L" word got said. He said he loved me all the time and it felt like he did. And then, I started thinking ... and letting him know my thoughts ... and then, he'd come over later if at all or I'd go to him but we were still around each other.

But, then, I started dealing with all the other storms. And thought and verbalized things once too many times apparently. To the extent that he felt he couldn't live up to my expectations. Thought I could end things with him way too easily. Boy, was he ever wrong! He ended them way easier than I ever could. I emailed him last night .. he didn't respond, not sure why. Guess I'll never know. As for what the future holds with him & I? Your guess is as good as mine.

So anyways ... I guess maybe I am dealing with a mid-life crisis. I got a new tattoo that I love (and had said I'd never get one because only losers had them - guess you can add me to that group now, lol) what's the worst that can happen through this crisis? I look like an idiot babbling on this blog? It's MINE! I can babble all I want. Maybe I can look back at my posts later and realize how stupid I was? Who knows?

All I know with any certainty is that life is full of uncertainties and that I will somehow get through whatever life dumps on me and I'll find a way to smile through it all. What more can a 34 year old, single mother of 2 ask for??

And with this post that I didn't think I was gonna write .. I am gonna go crawl up with Ted E and try to dream sweet dreams. Sure waking up alone tomorrow is gonna suck, but, hey, I'll live!

Marked for Life by Chris @ Smiling Buddha

OMG! I am Soooo Excited! I got my First Tattoo today! Tid went with me to see Chris at Smiling Buddha in Savannah (no links as of this posting but when I get one, I'll post it) - was able to take my doodle of my screen name and turn it into a Work Of Art. Many THANKS to Chris for making my first experience as painless as possible and, of course, to Tid for holding my hand through it and babying me afterwards! YOU GUYS ROCK!!! Even My Momma loves the design and is glad that "her baby" didn't go through the process alone - awwww - being loved is surely a great feeling :D

"The Defilers" ROCKED!

Friday Night, Tid & I went to see "The Defilers" at the Jinx. Arleigh, Duck and Mike ROCKED! (What more can I say?) My favorite song of the show was "You're Going to Put Me in My Grave."

After the show, we headed to Tid's and hung out drinking and chatting in the pool. (There were photos taken, but alas, not by me) These guys eagerly told me about recording their soon to be released CD (Can't wait to get a copy) and just laughed and made the hours pass by way too quickly.

If you get a chance to hear these guys - DO IT - you won't be disappointed. Check out their site, The Defilers, for more information.

Interesting Political “Facts” (lol)

Government Emblem:
The government today announced that it is changing its emblem from an Eagle to a condom because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance. A condom stands up to inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed. Damn, it just doesn't get more accurate than that.

Ten Commandments:
The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a Courthouse! You cannot post "Thou Shalt Not Steal," "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery" and "Thou Shall Not Lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians! It creates a hostile work environment.

Zero Gravity:
When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ball-point pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat this problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion developing a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside-down, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to over 300 C. The Russians used a pencil. Your taxes are due again--enjoy paying them.

Our Constitution:
"They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq. Why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it's worked for over 200 years and hell, we're not using it anymore."

NEWS

WEATHER REPORT: The storm has dissipated somewhat but dark clouds are still lingering. Looks like I'm going to have to wait this one out a bit more.

ENTERTAINMENT NEWS: O'Connells Pub seems to be an interesting spot. Be sure to check out the The Defilers at the Jinx, sources reveal that it will be a great show.

That concludes the news at this time. For more information, please check back later.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Horoscope for Friday, August 27, 2004

Even if you have settled into a comfortable relationship, it is now time to expect the unexpected. Of course, how to do that is somewhat of a mystery. The point is that the need for freedom of expression is high and that means anything can happen. If you have tied your future to a narrow band of expectations, then you could be in for a surprise. But if you are open to the infinite realm of possibility, this awakening can carry you along toward your goals in life.

Here is your couple's love horoscope:
Does your relationship have a guardian angel? It'll seem that way when you narrowly avert a catastrophe by a lucky coincidence. Maybe it's a sign -- you make the call.

So it looks kinda nasty outside today. I am fixing to go weather a storm though, so I think it is appropriate, don't you?

As you can see, I read my horoscope - it just seems to be talking about a relationship that I don't have! Just my luck, lol! Well, it's nice to know that if I had one, something unexpected would happen today and that it would have a guardian angel looking over it. (wonder if that is still the case since I am single??) I do like the part about avoiding a catastrophe though, that's always good.

(Closes eyes, takes a deep breath - prays)

So, it's now off to the shower ....

The Eve of One the Storms of My Life

Today has been one of those days where not much holds my interest for any amount of time. I think it is because I have a "Storm" to weather in the morning on top of the others that I have been through over the last week. (May explain my bout of being throned and praying to the porcelain goddess all day that prompted me to come home early, who knows?)

I didn't really feel like interacting with anyone today but My Baby Sis called me from WV (my heart leapt when I saw the number on the caller ID) so I answered thinking she was calling about Momma. Nope - she was calling to bitch and moan about her fiance' and his interferring mother.

(sighs)

There is mention of the future mother-in-law's chickens in the yard and is worried about Ro not loving her son. After listening to her for 20 minutes (I couldn't get a word in) she asked me for advice (HA!) I told her that I WAS DEFINITELY NOT ONE TO GIVE ADVICE AT THIS MOMENT IN TIME. She rebutted by saying that since I was her big sister I knew more than she did and it was therefore, my duty to help.

(Ok, this is the point that I lost it)

I chidingly said, and this is a direct quote, "Ro, I cannot deal with this at this moment, my plate is already overflowing as it is. He broke up with me because he is afraid I'll hurt him again, I have (insert Storm here) to deal with in the morning, I am worried about Momma, my boss is leaving the office I work at and I am not sure what I will be doing, I don't feel well, and well, I just don't know what to tell you."

Since I have never (in her 32 years) taken that tone with her before (and haven't related just what her "all knowing big sister" has been dealing with lately) she got really quiet and said (I'm choking up here) "Well, I love you sis. Call me tomorrrow and let me know how it goes and if you need anything." You see, I am the Big Sister and I am supposed to be there for her - not the other way around - which explains her not knowing what I was dealing with here.

I felt absolutely horrible. Not that I didn't already but that was the blow that released the Emotional Dam all over again.

So, I sat in the dark living room for a bit with Nag Champa burning and cried with Ted. Brit called me about attending the "Storm" with me and we set that all up.

I could not shake that miserable feeling of missing him at this particular moment, not with all this other stuff happening. I summoned up all the courage I could and picked up the phone and called him, not knowing if he'd answer or what I'd say even if he did. He answered and we talked for a while, which, I needed even if it makes me look this way or that. I somehow get the feeling that he needed it too and doesn't think less of me for wanting/needing to talk to him. (Thank You Darling)

Now, I feel a wee bit better and am sitting here listening to Mp3s. I should go to sleep but I am not tired. So, until I am, I will sit here quietly reflecting while listening to Patsy, Johnny Cash, Live, The Ramones, Matchbox 20, Straight 8's, Gretchen Wilson and Toby Keith. (what a mixture)

How will you DIE?

After being woken up from a pretty cool dream by the apt maintainence guy to do the monthly inspection (I am home early from work because my tummy hurts) I decided that since I could not return to the dream (yes, I tried) I would see what was up in the world of blogging. I took this Quiz off Chuck's blog, How Will You Die?, (I took it as Amy & Angel Bear, yes I am bored! lol) and could not get the dam thing to post right so, after numerous attempts - I decided to just post the link and the results.

(perplexed look)

Well, according to "The QUIZ," it seems that Angel Bear is going to die at 65 while I am sleeping. (Nice, peaceful way to go) I, on the otherhand, am going to die at 69 of drowning. (So, I'm thinking, that's not too bad. Just hope I look good in a bikini because you know that's how they'll find me, lol)

Looking on the bright side of things, I determine that I luckily have 31 more years to provide you with the ABK shenangians and ramblings you have come to know and love (Stop Rolling Your Eyes!) and 35 more years to Grow Up and maybe, just maybe - find Mr. Right! (Yeah, like that'll happen!)

Anyway, these quizzes are pretty fun, so, try it! What's the worst that can happen?? (giggles)

Ok, so my day didn't turn out to be so bad after all. (didn't cry yet and that's a plus, lol) It's Wednesday! One more day before my long weekend. (Taking Friday off to handle a "storm" but will not be tied up too long so, it's like a VACATION Day!) (Actually, I have 2 long weekends in a row because Tid had asked me to go to Drive-In Invasion with him over Labor Day, and I put in for the time off already so next week, I am off Thursday through Tuesday, what am I gonna do now??)

During a smoke break, I ran into 4 incredible looking BellSouth guys! (My telephone guy has the "butt-crack, dicky-do" syndrome, ugh!) One of whom had just lost a bet for $5 to each of the others because he didn't guess all 50 states (He missed UTAH, the only state where it is legal to be married to more than one person at a time!) Never will understand why men are always so competitive, must be the testosterone! But did welcome the fact that I noticed other guys were attractive, that's a start.

I joined an AVON conversation, worked on a Motion, a letter, updated contact information, entered time, found out more about the status of my job ... yada yada yada, such is the life of a secretary! Then, I heard about the Dave Matthews Band Shituation, to which I laughed hysterically and shared with several other co-workers.

And then, as I was leaving the parking lot, I ran into a guy that had been at Max & Brandon's wedding. (I forget his name - met alot of people that night, get over it!) Told him I'd figure out a way to show him the pics I took, but forgot to ask if he had a pc for a disk or if I'd have to show him prints - will figure that one out later. (yes, he's cute, but that is not why I talked to him, I am a people person, I TALK!)

Decided that Friday, after "the storm." I am going to go to O'Connell's and then to the Jynx to see " The Defilers, even if I have to go SOLO! (I am in serious need of some FUN, and am outgoing and capable of hanging out by myself if need be) B from work said he might can find me a man to accompany me but I don't know ...

Got an email forwarded to me from "him." My dear friend Brit had emailed him her thoughts (and he replied, miracles never cease!) so, of course, I responded to what he had to say about me and the situation. (She did better than I did because I rarely got responses from him, lol) Of course, I still have not received a response from him and likely won't. As I said earlier, it'll be his LOSS!

A little while ago, my friend Brad came by with a task that needs my expertise! (I am so glad to have someone need me, lol!!) Brad just got married on Monday (Congrats!) and I am very happy for him and glad that he chose me to help him with his very important, but unnamed task.

Ok people, that's been my day in a nutshell. I am about to hit the hay with Ted E. and will definitely be back tomorrow with more news in the life of ABK ... Sweet Dreams!!!

The Rulz Have Changed!

1~ No More Apologies or Begging To "Him." I was not wrong to feel the way I did, given the situation. Yes, maybe I handled it wrong, I made a mistake (I am not perfect and never claimed to be) But I did give it 110% trying to make it better and it didn't work. I love him and miss him but he walked away. His Loss.

2~ No More Being Down on Myself. I am not a bad person. I am a single mom that works hard to maintain a home for myself and my sons by myself but still find time to help people I care about in any way that I can.

3~ No More Saying I Am Weak Because I Cry & Hurt! I am a strong person because I continue to care about people after being hurt and am willing to try even when I am scared of rejection and struggling through many storms at once.

4~ No More Making Excuses for Others. I am responsible for what I do and say, so are they.

5~ No More Giving More Than I Get From Men. (Ok, so this one is going to be the hardest to keep. If you know me, you'll understand why.) I deserve the same love, respect and devotion that I give. PERIOD.


***************************
Now I have to try to think of the best way to break the news to the boys that he won't be in their lives anymore. That's going to be a tough one because they really like him and were always begging to see him. (Truth be known, it was CJ & Brit that convinced me he was worth giving a chance when he started hanging out with us) You know, being a single parent trying to date is one of the hardest jobs there is I think. Not only do we have to face possible rejection ourselves, but we also have to help our children deal with it. Gives you something to think about, huh?!

The "Last" Survey

Last Cigarette: Smoking one now
Last Alcoholic Drink: Bud Light, 7 hours ago
Last Car Ride: Ride home from work yesterday
Last Kiss: Tid 9 1/2? hours ago
Last Good Cry: 6 hours ago (wouldn't call it a "good" one though)
Last Library Book: Something for the boys
Last book bought: War Autobiography for Tid
Last Book Read: Book of Shadows (still reading it)
Last Movie Seen in Theatres: Bring it on
Last Movie Rented: dunno
Last Cuss Word Uttered: Damn!
Last Beverage Drank: Coffee (still drinking it)
Last Food Consumed: Strawberries
Last Crush: Tid I suppose
Last Phone Call: Tid
Last TV Show Watched: City by the Sea
Last Time Showered: yesterday
Last Shoes Worn: brown flip flops
Last CD Played: Straight 8's - Casualties of Cool
Last Item Bought: Bud Light
Last Download: More than Words - Alias
Last Annoyance: Men who are too stubborn to try
Last Disappointment: see Last Annoyance
Last Soda Drank: coke
Last Thing Written: this
Last Key Used: mine?
Last Words Spoken: I love you
Last Sleep: 2 hours ago
Last Ice Cream Eaten: Nestle Crunch Bar
Last Chair Sat In: Computer Chair I am in now
Last Webpage Visited: this survey, before that - The Blog of Chuckie!
http://www.kwiz.biz/simplesurveys/do-survey.php

Which Of The Greek Gods Are You?

Morpheus
Wow, It says that I'm like the Greek God Morpheus, of dreams. Believing there is something bigger out there, and often lost in thought. That I'm imaginative, and smart - not always a leader, but usually the one who came up with the plan. I often ask, What if .... and long to get out of the darkness and through the window.
?? Which Of The Greek Gods Are You ?? brought to you by Quizilla

Yeah!!! It's another day.

Last night, I made a Crown & Ginger and took a long, hot bubble bath. I didn't eat dinner because frankly, I really wasn't hungry. Then, after posting that poem, I went to bed. (Ted E & I had a long, dreamless sleep - which I think we both needed)

Didn't hear from him so the key thing is still up in the air. I've had lots of advice and input lately, ranging from people telling me he has met someone new already to telling me to just give him some time to get over the blow. Also had a few telling me to start dating someone else right away to take my mind off of him! Well now - sounds good in theory maybe? (NOT!) Ok, listen. Others out there may be able to jump from one person to the next without batting an eye, but I CAN'T. When I love someone, I give them all I can (maybe too much for some, but it's who I am and I can't or won't change that.) So, when the love goes away, it takes me time to recover. Eventually, I will pick myself and my bruised lil heart up - dust my ass off, shake the hurt away and move on. Until then, you'll just have to bear with me.

Momma is still doing well, all things considered. They're waiting to see if the medicines work and for her to recover from the other surgery before putting in the new stents. She tells me not to worry because she's tough. (Wonder where I got my attitude, lol) I have a funny feeling though that she will be just fine. Sure, she can't do MRI's anymore or go through Airport Security but hey - who would really miss those things anyway??

The boys start practice tonight. CJ was able to sign up for Baseball after a small mix up. Devon is anxiously waiting to find out what team and position he'll play. Hopefully he'll get the defensive spot he wants (his dad is defense coach so he probably will). Football games are Thursdays at 7, not sure yet when CJ's Baseball games are but will probably find out tonight. (Of course, I'll post pictures of them in their little uniforms soon)

Ok, so now it's off to shower and head to work. Don't want to ask what today holds for me because frankly, I don't want to know!! (sighs)

About Those Emails (a poem I wrote)

Long Ass Emails I write to share,
Thoughts and Feelings so you know I care.

Emotions deeper than you were aware,
Shocking to you, but yes they're there.

Hurt and emotionally drained, I poorly acted
I can't blame you for how you reacted.

I got what I said, but not what I wanted
By my own words and actions - I'm now haunted.

Begging and pleading in vain, I don't mind
Because I know love is hard to find.

I did my best to make amends
You think it's best our relationship ends.

All that's left is to return your key,
Bid you peace and set you free.

I love you, miss you, want you here,
But can never blame you for what you fear.

Ok, bear with me here. I know I was just here a few hours ago but - usually, by now, I have written him an email to let him know I am thinking of him and to wish him a good day at work. And well darn it, I can't do that since he doesn't want to be with me. (besides, I think that would only drive him farther away if that is possible) With the key return hanging over my head, I feel as though someone is sitting on my chest, making it hard to breathe. I don't want it to happen but since it is unavoidable, I just want to get it over with as quickly and painlessly (yeah, right!) as possible. Is it pathetic of me to hurt like this and admit that I don't want to lose him?? Ah shit, who cares?! I love him and miss him and don't care how that makes me look!

Good Morning. I hope you all slept well and had sweet dreams. I want to thank those of you who left words of encouragement on my Tag Board and especially want to thank those of you who were there for me. I imagine, reading my posts from yesterday, I seem very fickle (maybe I am, deal with it! lol) and got what I deserved. I mean, I thought I wanted to break up but didn't really want lose someone that I care about. (guess that's what I get for thinking, lol) I hope that its normal to feel that way (if not, guess you'll just have to call me crazy). (Ok now, stop it - I didn't mean to literally call me crazy) I had hoped that him learning how his actions made me feel would make a difference to him. And yes, I really hoped that he did love me as he said and wanted to be with me enough to understand why the situation happened. But, alas, it didn't turn out that way. Shoot, I BEGGED him and didn't even make a comment when he said he had been out all night and was just getting home at 5pm. How many of you out there would have done that?? Sure any comment I made would have been out of line I imagine but since when did that stop people from saying something about something they don't like? Anyway - tonight is supposed to be "the key return," it's gonna be hard, I know, but I'll get through it.

(sighs)

I don't want this breakup because I do love him and want to be with him - I guess it'll get added to the many things in life that I have no control over but learn to live with. I don't regret swallowing my pride to try to salvage the relationship and certainly don't regret being with him. Every moment in our lives that we are loved is a gift. As corney as that sounds, it is true. It's when we are afraid of letting someone love us that we truely lose. Breakups happen. Just try to take something out of it positive and don't be too stubborn to try again. You never know - the one you won't give that chance to could be THE ONE.

This is me and Ted E. (the bestest teddy bear in the whole wide world) Yes, I am smiling despite what has happened - I have to. I'm ABK and there are some people out there (like the one that I am talking to on the phone) that care about me and just like to hear my voice - so, life's not all bad. I guess what I meant to say is - This too, shall pass. Sweet Dreams and May all that visit my little page have angels watching over them and all that they care about. (*,*)

I talked to my mom about 3pm and she's doing better but will still need further surgery to do more stent implants. I swallowed my pride and called him, begged forgiveness .. for another chance, told him I needed him, wanted to see him and loved him, explained things to him as much as I could but, in the end, he made the decision to not see me anymore. I can't blame him - I was a total shit I suppose and got exactly what I asked for, even though it wasn't (and isn't) what I wanted. Funny thing is, he said it wasn't what he wanted but is the one imposing the break up (against my many pleadings and attempts to change the situation). I don't understand that part and I guess I never will. He asked for a few days to think but I told him that I couldn't do that, so I guess it's over. I wish that I could have told him that I'd wait to hear from him later in the week but I couldn't. It isn't pride or anything - just pessimistic feelings that he'd just call later to tell me it was over (and yes, I told him that) and I didn't want to set myself up for that. I'm just kinda numb now (and sitting here hoping against hope that he'll change his mind and decide that he loves me enough to give me another chance) but know that come bedtime, crawling into bed alone again, that the hurt is going to hit but it can't be helped now. I've done all that I can to change things but, I can't. I would take things back in a heartbeat, but I can't. I made sure he knew completely how I felt and what I wanted - but it didn't change the outcome. There's nothing left for me to do now but get him his key back as smoothly as possible (its going to hurt really bad at that moment I know because then the finality of the situation will sink in) ... then, I'll grieve a bit and get on the road to healing my wounded heart.

Darling - if you're reading this, please know that I love and miss you and am very sorry that I hurt you and hope that you know that this is not what I want but will respect your decision. I also hope you know that if you ever need me for anything that I will be here for you.

I'm back again. Today is turning out to be as dreary as I feel. I washed my car to pass some time ... it looks like rain but I needed to get tree sap & grease off of it. I also had to do "surgery" on poor old Ted E. Seems his head was coming off from all the hugs he's gotten in his lifetime. The poor ole bear. He only gets attention when I am sad and crying - never when I am happy. Oh well, he loves me regardless and always has time for my tears. (Gosh knows he's endured way more than most bears his age but he has always been here to help me deal with things that otherwise seem hard to manage, which has been a lot more than I want to admit but added all up, they make me who I am and each one has strenghtened me in their own way)

I miss "him" even though it's barely been 14 hours since "the call." I've had a few males message me on yahoo to comment that I jumped to the wrong conclusion and should give him some time to recover from the "blow to his ego" I gave him when I said I was going to return the key. Also had one or two telling me that I am totally out of line and need to call him and beg forgiveness (seems you men stick together, even when you don't know each other) Had another who wanted me to make sure I wasn't just trying to use him as a crutch to get through this "severe thunderstorm" my life seems to be lately. WELL - rest assured, he isn't a crutch!! He is someone remarkably sweet that I found impossible not to fall in love with, even when I didn't want to. Someone that makes me happy just to be around ... that I enjoy waking up next to, look forward to talking to and spending time with ... (maybe a bit too much for him, I dunno) and someone who is patient and devoted to whatever task he seems to be working on. He definitely doesn't seem to be as emotional as I am (unfortunately, I wear my heart on my sleeve too much) but, he is a strong man after all, and it is hard to tell what they think/feel unless they want you to know.

Honestly, I don't know what happens now. Do I love him the way he is? Yes. Do I regret making that call? Yes even though at the time, it felt like the right thing to do. Do I still want to be with him? Hell yes! (The question is, does he still want to be with me? And to that, only he knows the answer.)

I'm going to go lay down with Ted and try to rest some, I'm emotionally drained right now ... geeh, I wonder why??

Morning. Not sure if today will be a good day or not, but it's early, so I guess we'll have to see what today holds before we determine whether it is good or bad. Yesterday was a good morning but turned out to be a lousy day. I woke up in the arms of someone I love but ended up going to bed alone crying (well, Ted E was there as he always is to soak up my tears and accept all the hugs I can give – poor bear, he’s been through a lot with me in the years that I have had him). In between that time, I hung out with my sons, took them over to Tid's to swim, learned my mom was having heart problems again, made ribs & wings for dinner, tried my best to keep my mind off a few other personal situations (didn't work too well but I did try) and finally - I called the one I love and told him that I would be returning his key to him over his cell phone while he was at a bar listening to a band.

Worst part is (I mean aside from actually feeling the need to make that call) was that it didn't seem to matter to him too much that I wouldn't be seeing him anymore (so much for loving me) - his reaction was "well damn." Now don't get me wrong, it's not him going out so much that bothered me, it's just the timing and the situation. Don't worry though, I did have Brit here, (who, thankfully wouldn't leave me until I forced her to return home to her hubby and guests after she made sure I got updated information on my mom) my sons were here asleep (after making sure they told me they loved me oodles and bunches :D) Mark & Misty were calling to make sure I was ok and didn't need anything, and my "online friends" who just typed away, trying their best to make me laugh.

I guess what finally made me decide to make that call is that when you get right down to it, I need someone that is going to be here for me when I need them. I'm not a needy person - pretty independent and low maintenance really - but, like everyone, there are times when I need someone to hold me when life's road gets a little too overwhelming for me to bear alone. (Granted lately, it seems that the floodgates have been opened right above my head but hey, it's called LIFE) Him leaving me in tears to go to see a band kinda slammed home just how unimportant to him that I am - adding to the grief and helpless feeling that I already had about my mom. I mean there is NO WAY I would ever walk away from anyone I cared even a miniscule amount about while they were crying, not even to see Elvis risen from the grave for a one time only show! (To his credit though, when I called him, he did ask if I wanted him to come back – immediately after the “well damn” statement - but I said that I wasn't going to have to tell him everything, said that I had to go and hung up.)

I mean come on now – is there anyone out there that can actually say that they don’t want to feel important to the one they love and that supposedly loves them?? To me, I think it goes along with the whole love thing. You know – it’s doing the little things for the other person to make them happy & let them know you care and are thinking about them … and more importantly, just being there for them - that make love the special thing that it is. Sure, you can tell people what you want all the time and will probably get it about 75% of the time – but to me, love is finding someone that you don’t have to spell everything out for.

Ok, so maybe all men need things spelled out 100% all the time - but I choose to believe that there is someone out there that will be there for me that I don’t have to tell him when I am in tears that I need him. Maybe it’s a pipe dream of mine but hey – we all need something to believe in, right?

I won’t sit here and lie and say that it doesn’t hurt that I ended this relationship because it HURTS LIKE HELL and I will miss him terribly. (Maybe not as much as Brit will miss his pool but … I already miss him and it’s only been a few hours, lol) I guess letting it continue feeling the way that I do will only end up hurting more in the end so it’s best to cut the attachment now. I mean what happens if I let it continue and then I really, really needed him and he did this??? I know that I cannot feel that I don’t mean anything to someone that I love. My sons like him a lot too and that makes the situation a little harder (just last weekend, my youngest son cross stitched a car magnet for him) Yesterday, as they have every weekend since we started dating, they beg to go over to his house … but, kids are tough and will bounce back probably quicker than momma can. I honestly doubt if I hear anything else from him except to get his key back (And yes, that makes me feel even worse) but I do wish him well and hope that he finds love and happiness and am thankful for the time I did spend with him.

Wow! Did I really put all this on my Blog?? Oh well, it’s my Blog and most likely no one but me will read it anyways! It does feel better to have gotten it all off my chest this morning so at least that’s a start. Now, let’s see what the rest of the day has in store for me … I can’t wait! (ugh)

Oh My Goodness! Maxine really knows how to put things into perspective for us Ladies! LOL!!!

The boys finally fell asleep - don't they look so precious? (Yes, that's the adults playing Cranium in the background)

This is Brit, Margaret and Me - Cheesing for a picture in the middle of our game of Cranium. (The rest of the guests had left)